The 7 worst guys from Fishing Forums!

[fin_s_guy]

Social media has given voice to the voiceless. That’s definitely true and is likely touted as a net positive by Mark Zuckerberg and Jack Dorsey as they’re reaching for another helping of pate’ at swanky cocktail parties, just an ivory-tower climb from the feces-infested and needle-strewn streets below.

But some people are voiceless for a damn good reason: Society just doesn’t want to hear what they have to say. These people are so off-putting that coworkers ignore them and even family members shun them. They invariably end up alone, yelling at the sky or aiming the water hose at kids who play on their lawn. Back in the day, their banishment from civil society may have shoved them to the town square, where their insufferable diatribes and crackpot hypotheses earned them the whispered moniker of “village idiot.”


Today, those men — and they ARE mostly men — go to social media.

The chat rooms contained therein devoted to politics attract more of them than any other genre, but a close second are those forums dedicated to fishing. Post anything — no matter how innocuous — in a fishing-related chat room, and the formerly voiceless village idiots will jump from the shadows, bullhorn in hand, to scream their wit and wisdom at higher decibels than a jet roaring over Tiger Stadium one second after Joe Burrow throws the game-winning touchdown to beat Alabama.

Social-media village idiots come in all forms and manifestations, but these are the absolute worst:

THE ONE-UPPER: It doesn’t matter what you post, The One-Upper has done something better. Maybe your son caught a 20-inch redfish, and you captured the moment of him beaming from ear to ear while holding his prize fish. Well, this guy on the same day caught a 25-inch redfish. No, actually he caught two of them. And now that I think about it, they were each 30 inches.


THE TECHNICIAN: This guy is better than you when it comes to fishing strategy, gear, location and technique, and he’s going to tell you what you should have done to have had better success. Maybe you posted a picture of 50 trout you and your buddy caught that morning while fishing a certain lure. The Technician will tell you about a different lure he regularly uses that would have resulted in bigger trout than you caught. And God forbid you include a video of your buddy having a ball reeling in yet another trout because, clearly, his rod and reel are garbage. Lucky for him, however, the technician has a recommendation.

THE SCOLD: This guy is the absolute worst. He’s so impotent, so unsuccessful in life, so contemptibly miserable that he feels the insatiable, compulsive need to correct you for whatever fun you might be having. Remember that 20-inch redfish your son caught? Well, hopefully you didn’t let him keep it. That’s the brood stock needed to propagate the species. Oh, and why’d you let him hold it with a towel? Don’t you know towels remove the slime coat from fish, exposing them to skin diseases? And please tell me you didn’t use a net to pull the fish over the gunwale. Nets are even worse than towels.

“EVERYONE KNOWS”: This guy will state as incontrovertible fact something outlandish or at least suspicious. If you’re foolish enough to engage with him and ask him for evidence or the source of his claim, he’ll state that “everyone knows” it to be true. His initial claim: “The trout are bigger right now because the moon is full.” Your response: “So you’re saying the bigger fish feed on a full moon? What peer-reviewed, biological study supports your proposition?” His response: “Everyone knows trout get bigger on a full moon.” Oh, OK. Well, that settles it.

THE ARGUER: Say anything you want, and this guy will take the opposite position. Bass bite well the day before a cold front. Not if rain dirties up the water. My family likes to eat crappie more than any other fish. Well, that’s because your family has never eaten walleye. Pound for pound, nothing outfights a redfish. Everyone knows tuna fight harder than redfish. (Actually, that last one is The Arguer, The One-Upper and Mr. Everyone Knows all rolled into one; formerly voiceless internet commenters often feature multiple gifts all in one odious package.)

THE PARADE URINATOR: This guy can find a cloud in any silver lining. Maybe you post that you’re planning to fish tomorrow because the forecast is for light winds. The Parade Urinator will post a link to some obscure website calling for southeast gusts at 25 knots. Maybe you comment about how speckled trout fishing is trending upward, based on recent conversations you’ve had with fishing buddies. This guy will point out coastal subsidence will be the death knell of the species. To The Parade Urinator, no news is so good it can’t be destroyed by a massive injection of seemingly horrible news from his pathetic reality.

THE STANDARD BEARER: This guy is closely related to The Scold, but is a little different. He will chastise you like a Catholic-school nun for doing something outside his self-imposed realm of acceptability. If the limit on a particular species is 10, and you keep your 10, he’ll tell you why he’d never keep more than five of those fish. If the minimum-size limit is 12 inches, he’ll puff out his chest and declare publicly that HIS size minimum is 14 inches. Unfortunately for The Standard Bearer, he opens himself up for attack from The Scold or another Standard Bearer with different standards.

Much to the chagrin of those of us who spend many hours every day in the digital space, these guys don’t limit themselves to the true social platforms like Facebook and Twitter. I see each of these manifestations of misery frequently in the comment streams of my YouTube channel, Marsh Man Masson. I read nearly all the comments posted below my videos, and most are by socially adjusted individuals who at least have some level of tact, even when they disagree with me.

But one out of every 20 posts or so is from someone on this list. I read them, chuckle and send up a silent prayer to St. Jack and Rev. Zuckerberg, thanking them for giving a voice to the voiceless.

[jmurr711]

there is also the QUEEN

[Mike K]

The Have Pity on Me Report Seeker - Usually begins with, "Hey I'm taking my 98 year old grandfather, who stormed Omaha beach in '44, surf fishing on Saturday and I'd sure like to put him on a 30lb Striper, preferably topwater. Any intel appreciated."

[No Bananas]

Don't forget the Lurker. That's been me until today.. Thanks Gerry.

[reason162]

Originally Posted by Mike K

The Have Pity on Me Report Seeker - Usually begins with, "Hey I'm taking my 98 year old grandfather, who stormed Omaha beach in '44, surf fishing on Saturday and I'd sure like to put him on a 30lb Striper, preferably topwater. Any intel appreciated."

Lol that or "just looking to bend a rod with my grandkids" etc. Love it!

[Birddog 2]

All of the above are true. I'm an older guy and no I'm not looking for a fishing spot but I remember well before there were forums and Facebook, there were clubs. I've belonged to car clubs, model airplane clubs, dog clubs and then onto forums. Wooden boat forums, corvette restoration groups, this and other fishing groups. All of these groups have always had one type of person in common "The know it all". I swear these people must sit back and just wait for things to be posted so they can correct the posting. I don't think any of them do or have done anything real relative to the subject. They read manuals, posts, whatever and become pseudo experts. The wooden boat forum collapsed because of two jerks that just trolled every post. And there is one other type that gets to me the "whiners". My comment to all the whiners and whoa is me type people out there is get off your but and do something about it.

[AndyS]

[Offshoreafflicted]

THE ONE-UPPER: Why waste your time posting this when you could have been bailing 50lb bass with me all morning. It was Epic.

THE TECHNICIAN: I don’t want to say anything but your grammar leaves a lot to be desired and the descriptions are rather drab and vague. I would correct it but I need to clean my Stella and custom rod after the epic morning of fishing I just had. I wanted to try out my new Orvis waders and Van Stahl pliers and was able to give them a work out on 60lb bass. I noticed last night there was a high pressure system moving in, with wind out of the east and the moon was in its third quarter. Everyone who knows anything knows that’s the dinner bell for 60lb bass.

THE SCOLD: This is a fishing forum, why are you wasting our time posting this crap?

“EVERYONE KNOWS”: You are just posting this because everyone knows you can’t catch a fish and never have anything else to post.

THE ARGUER: Why are you being allowed to promote your YouTube channel in this forum. Moderators where are you?

THE PARADE URINATOR: Are you so pathetic that you find it necessary to repost crap from other sites? It’s not his YouTube channel moron.

THE STANDARD BEARER: Why do you feel the need to put people in boxes, a little understanding and tolerance goes a long way in this world. You really should not post hateful messages like this.

[Togfather2530]

What I can’t believe is how much people waste their time on all this Facebook, u tube, Twitter shit today lol. It’s kind of crazy.

[Chrisper4694]

fantastic hahaha